Occupational Hazards
by Sundial-Solaris
Summary: Organization XIII is short on munny. The solution? Xemnas demands that each member get a job. What chaos will ensue? My first fanfiction. Read and Review, please! Rated to be safe. COMPLETE!
1. Jobs?

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. It belongs to Square-Enix.

**A/N: My first fan-fiction. Please go easy on me **

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**CHAPTER ONE: JOBS?**

Xemnas was short on munny. He was sick and tired of the other members of Organization XIII misusing his munny, splurging it on whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. In fact, he thought it was high time the Organization should stop doing so and for each member to get a respectable job instead. Thus he summoned all twelve members to the meeting room.

"We are short on funds."

Xemnas began, glaring at each of the twelve as he spoke, and purposefully speaking slower than normal, eyeing each member carefully.

"But Superior—"

"Yes, Demyx?"

"It's not our fault you spent all the munny on your collection of My Little Ponies."

"Demyx, how did you kn—never mind. Do not speak of such unimportant matters at the moment. What's important is that I want every one of you to get a job."

"But how about missions, sir?"

"You go to work in the day, and then you go on missions at night."

"But won't we be exhausting ourselves?"

"Do I look like I care? Now…"

Xemnas hissed, narrowing his eyes and tossing a stack of job recruitment advertisements, cut from various newspapers, at the members. Each one caught an advert and examined the newspaper cutting carefully. Some had on expressions of happiness. Others, disgust.

"I want you all to be out of the castle and doing your jobs by tomorrow. Am I clear?"

"Yes, Superior."

"Good. Dismissed."

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**Yay, Chapter One finished! Other chapters will be up soon, I promise! Now it's up to you to click that tiny review button at the bottom of the page. Reviews are love! And please, no flamers.**


	2. Xigbar the Pirate

**CHAPTER TWO: XIGBAR THE PIRATE**

"Dude, you have got to be kidding me."

Number II rattled off, staring in horror at the stack of papers that lay before him. "I'm supposed to do what?" Xigbar asked again, twitching.

"You've been cast to be on 'Captain Happy the Pirate', an interactive TV show for children five and under." The director snapped, glaring at the sniper. "You're playing Smiley, his first mate. That's your script." He continued, jabbing a fat finger at the stack of papers that lay before the Organization member. Reaching out a gloved hand, Xigbar gingerly picked up the script as if it were poisoned. Silently reading the first few lines, he resisted the urge to throw up.

Captain Happy: (_waves_) Yarr, I'm Captain Happy!

Smiley: (_steps out and waves_) And I be Smiley, his first mate!

Captain Happy: What do we have for the children today, Smiley?

Smiley: Today we explore the land of Sunnytown to look for treasure!

…

Xigbar dropped the script, where it landed with a muffled thud on the wooden table, and then turned to face the director. "Are you serious?" The director stared back with narrowed eyes. "Do I look serious?" the director repeated. "Yes, you do dude." The director smiled. "Now then…get changed. Recording starts in ten minutes."

Xigbar reluctantly took a pile of clothes from the costume manager and retreated into the changing room. A few minutes later, a completely different Xigbar emerged. Having changed out of the usual black coat, he now wore a long, puffy-sleeved white shirt with a red, polka-dotted vest. He also wore a pair of unimaginably tight black pants and to finish off the look, oversized brown boots. On his head was perched a terribly-designed pirate hat that resembled one of Larxene's unmentionables. It had a picture of the Jolly Roger embroidered on it. "Excellent! You look great, first-mate Smiley! You should also be wearing the pink Jolly Roger eyepatch, but since you already have one of your own, it doesn't matter." the director chirped. Xigbar resisted the urge to simultaneously shoot the director. He still needed the munny.

"And action!" The director screamed.

The man who played Captain Happy was plump, ugly and Xigbar swore that he'd seen him playing with pirate dolls backstage. The sniper was afraid that he'd get too much into his role. But now wasn't the time to think. Both were now backstage, in what was seemingly the "cabin" of a giant cardboard ship with a shoddy paint job, and the ship was "sailing" on a sea of styrofoam balls, dyed blue. People backstage waved bits of white cloth around the set to make it look like the ocean's frothy waves, although the complete setting looked far from realistic.

The man who played Captain Happy walked out of the cabin and waved at the invisible crowd. "Yarr, I'm Captain Happy!"

Xigbar's cue now.

Walking dejectedly out of the cabin, Xigbar plastered the cheesiest smile he could manage on his features, and said, "And I be Smiley, his first mate!" He followed this line with a stiff wave. "What do we have for the children today, Smiley?" At that moment, Xigbar decided that being publicly humiliated wasn't worth the money.

"We have one dead Captain Happy."

Xigbar said, replacing the cheesy grin with a demented smirk. Pulling his guns, he shot "Captain Happy" and he collapsed on the floor with a loud 'URGH'.

"Cut! Cut!"

The director screamed. "You just murdered someone!" Xigbar rolled his eyes. "Correction, dude. I just murdered some _people_." He said smoothly, before shooting the director as well, followed by the costume manager and the stage crew. "I'll find other ways to earn munny. Not by being on some lame-o children's show."

With that, the sniper stalked off.

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**A/N: Chapter Two complete! Please review if you like the story. **


	3. Windsurfing

**CHAPTER THREE: WINDSURFING**

"All right. I'm Xaldin, and I'm going to teach you fools how to windsurf."

The Organization's Number III paced around his group of 'students', all eager to learn how to windsurf. "This should be Demyx's job. It's a bloody water sport." He muttered under his breath. Xaldin sighed, and then continued with his introduction on windsurfing.

"Windsurfing is a surface water sport using a windsurf board, also commonly called a sailboard, usually two to five meters long and powered by a single sail. The rig is connected to the board by a free-rotating flexible joint called the Universal. Unlike a rudder-steered sailboat, a windsurfer is steered by the tilting and rotating of the mast and sail as well as tilting and carving the—"

"Wikipedia?"

Xaldin twitched. "Yes, how did you know?"

"Well, having done heaps of helpful internet research, it is beneficial to my mind that I also research on this wonderful sport before coming for class." The boy who spoke wore thick, circular glasses, and had a sprinkling of freckles and a pair of buck teeth. Xaldin cringed.

"Whatever. Don't act smart. I've already had enough of Vexen…"

"Who's Vexen?" The boy asked.

"None of your business. Now, enough with the introduction. Get your stupid windsurf boards and go windsurf. I'll be watching you."

As the students got onto their boards, one of them paused.

"Dude, what's with your hair?"

Xaldin twitched again, before shooting the kid a full death glare.

"There is nothing wrong with my hair."

"Yes there is."

"No there is NOT!" Xaldin screamed, before summoning his six lances. A great gust of wind begun to blow at full force, causing all the windsurfers to get violently blown out to sea. The waves rose slammed into the tiny windsurf boards, as the people clinging onto them screamed. "Oh my gosh! He can control wind! He's a mutant! He's part of the X-Men!" The others begun to scream, as Xaldin smirked evilly and continued his assault. He was just about to throw one of his lances at the loud-mouthed punk, when a voice interrupted him.

"What is the meaning of this?"

Oh no. It was his boss. Xaldin immediately stopped the wind, and several windsurfers fell into the sea, physically and emotionally exhausted. Several lifeguards jumped in to save them. But Xaldin wasn't paying attention.

"Well sir, it was nothing. Just a freak storm." Xaldin lied, bidding his lances to vanish.

"Freak storm?! This is insolence! No one will sign up for my courses like this! You're fired!"

Number III stared blankly at his boss, before shrugging and summoning a blast of wind, knocking the man into the sea. "Suit yourself. I've got better things to do."

And with that, Xaldin summoned a dark portal and vanished within its depths.

**A/N: My mind went blank with Xaldin, so sorry if it wasn't as good as the last chapter R&R please! –pokes review button- Vexen's up next!**


	4. Housekeeping

**CHAPTER FOUR: HOUSEKEEPING**

**A/N: **This is somewhat inspired by the KH: CoM manga volume 2. Vexen's duties on the roster are 'Dishwashing, dump trash and clean the toilets'.

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"MOMMMM! I don't want to be alone with this creep!"

"Oh, don't worry. He's the new housekeeper."

With that being said, the well-dressed woman carefully picked up her purse and left the house, slamming the fine mahogany door behind her. The brat continued to scream and wail, giving the thin man who stood at the doorway evil glares.

"Silence, brat. Just because I work for a filthy rich child like you doesn't give such an inferior creature such as yourself authority to boss the intelligent scientist Vexen around."

Number IV snapped, returning the kid's glare.

"Scientist? Hah!" The brat smirked, pointing a finger at the bathroom. "Well, Mister Scientist, you can go conduct experiments in the toilet now. It's clogged."

"Why you little—have you no respect?!"

"You work for my mom, which means you work for me too! And ditch the black coat, you look like some creepy villain dude or something, not a lowly housekeeper! Go wear the old housekeeper's uniform. It's in the closet. And if you don't obey me, I'll tell my mom and you'll be fired. Oh, and clean the bathroom, like I said!"

Muttering curses under his breath, the scientist flung open the closet door and stared in horror at the maid's uniform that hung inside. (Lace, frills and a puffy skirt, anyone?) However, he was deathly afraid of the Superior, and thus he forced himself to change into that horrid costume, keeping his coat in the closet for the time being. Continuing to swear, Vexen stalked over to the bathroom and begun cleaning it, wincing at the terrible stench. This was no way for a respectable scientist to be treated! And he thought the other members of the Organization were bad enough…

Having finished with the bathroom, Vexen washed the dishes and took out the trash. Just as he was returning to the living room, he reeled when he saw the spoilt brat dressed in his Organization coat, which was sizes too large for him, and jumping on the couch screaming "I'm an evil villain dude! I work for a secret organization! Ooh!"

"Stop doing that! And I'm the REAL scientist in the REAL secret organization; Organization XIII! And I have had it with you! You stretch my patience, young man. Cease your actions before I am forced to retaliate!"

Vexen yelled, sounding very much like a babysitter at that exact moment.

"Really? Do you have cool powers? I think not! Nyah-nyah!"

Vexen flung the housekeeping utensils he had been holding onto the floor, before summoning his shield. He watched as the boy stared in utmost wonder at the dangerous-looking spikes that projected from his shield that acted as both a weapon and a defense mechanism. The scientist smirked. "Yes. And I have _very cool_ powers, thank you. So cool, you could FREEZE."

"Fine, you can have the coat back! It's ugly anyway! But I want your shield!"

The boy wailed, waving his arms up and down. Grabbing the coat with one hand, he waved his shield with the other and transformed the whining child into a block of solid ice. Vexen laughed madly and dismissed his shield. After that, he took his coat and walked over to the closet to change…

_Click._

Vexen didn't notice the camera flash. A black-coated figure hid in the shadows, snickering malevolently. "Vexen's always complaining about us not respecting him…but when I show this to everyone on Xemnas' Job Evaluation Day, he'll have no respect at all! Oops…gotta get back to my job now." With a flash, the figure vanished.

Poor Vexen.


	5. Bodyguard

**CHAPTER FIVE: BODYGUARD**

**A/N: **The fifth chapter is up! Thanks for reviewing, everyone! Reviews are the things that keep an author going! And if you haven't reviewed yet, please kindly R&R. Enjoy!

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"Lexaeus, darling."

The woman said haughtily, beckoning the fifth member of the Organization over with a slender finger. "Bar those fans from approaching me, if you please. They're not worthy of my ethereal beauty." And then, as if to emphasize that statement, the woman flipped her lustrous dark hair and grinned at the crowd, the jewels and gems she wore dazzling the fans and paparazzi alike.

The fifth member of the Organization grunted, and walked over to the fans, stretching out his arms. "Miss Star doesn't want any interviews today. Nor does she wish to sign any autographs." The crowd gave a tremendous, booming 'Aawww', and filed off.

The woman named Miss Star placed a hand on her chest, and opened her mouth, feigning surprise. "Oh Lexaeus dear, why did all my peons leave?" Lexaeus simply gave another low grunt, too annoyed to reply. "Lexaeus, I don't pay you heaps and heaps of munny for nothing you know. You're lucky you got hired to be a bodyguard for someone as attractive and as beautiful as I am. You know, once I was just a mere child growing up in Halloween Town. I wanted to be the Pumpkin Queen, but no! Jack Skellington stole that chance from me." The starlet sighed dramatically and placed a hand on her forehead. Lexaeus' fists clenched.

"And now, even an Organization XIII member obeys me!"

She smiled, eyes sparkling.

"I was so lonely, and so unwanted. No one recognized my true talents! No one wanted my beauty; my attractiveness! No one could see the true angel that I was—"

Bang. The woman fell to the ground unconscious. Lexaeus put away his tomahawk. "I don't understand what you're saying. So stop emphasizing because you're ugly, untalented and arrogant." Lexaeus turned away, grinning maniacally, which was unnatural for one such as himself, whom Axel jokingly nicknamed 'caveman'.

"Oh my aching head! Oh my beautiful tresses!"

Lexaeus paused and absentmindedly threw his tomahawk behind him, hearing a sickening crunch as it hit its target. Retrieving his weapon, he walked out of the studio and into the streets, where the fans and paparazzi were waiting behind a wall with their cameras and autograph books. At the sight of him, they begun snapping pictures and some even waved their autograph books at him. "Miss Star can't see you!" The paparazzi ignored him, and continued snapping pictures. One fan screamed.

"It's not Miss Star we're interested in now! It's you!"

The paparazzi leapt forward, shoving microphones under his chin and asking loads of questions. "How is it you managed to stand up to Miss Star?" "How did she treat you?" "How much are you paid?" "Is it true you're part of the infamous Organization XIII?" "What do you have to say to our viewers at home?" "Do you think Xemnas is straight?"

Lexaeus grinned. This was going better than expected.

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**A/N: **That was a little not-as-good chapter there! Apologies! . My mind was wiped out by mathematics, so there you go! Up next is our favourite unknown, Zexion!


	6. Psychiatrist

**CHAPTER SIX: PSYCHIATRIST**

"Good afternoon insignificant—sorry, Sir, I'm Doctor Zexion. Please feel free to share your problems."

"My wife loves shopping and has spent all my munny! I'm depressed…"

The wailing man said, his eyes shifting around the room maniacally. "Have you tried engaging her in a serious discussion?" The lilac-haired man said lazily, his visible eye half-closed. "No! I haven't! She won't listen to me!" Zexion sighed, eyes narrowing. "Look at me." He said. He really didn't want to use his power of illusions, but as a psychiatrist, it helped. Soon, Zexion's visible eye turned from a bluish-grey into a hollow hole that seemed to envelop the patient in its swirling depths…

"Oh, dear wife!" The patient said, obviously falling for the mind game.

"Aren't you going to talk about my shopping habits?"

Number VI droned, feeling extremely bored and hoping that this session with the demented man would be over soon. He knew that the patient thought that he, the respectable Zexion, was a horrible woman who splurged on unnecessary items.

"You must stop, dear wife, before you spend the rest of my munny!"

Just then, a deplorable idea made itself known in Zexion's mind.

Changing his illusion, he morphed again so that the man's vision of his wife now possessed two long claws and vampire fangs. "No…I will consume you! You will be poor, you will be homeless! I shall spend all your munny on items you'll never need even once in your life! I'll spend it on teletubbie plushies, and My Little Ponies, and on plastic surgery! You'll have not a cent left!" The patient broke down and begun to wail.

Zexion returned to his original form, before speaking in a slow, hypnotic voice that rivaled Xemnas' rambling. "Why not give your munny to Zexion? He'll use it wisely…very wisely…not like your wife…yes, give Zexion all your munny…go on, nothing's going to happen…give him your munny…"

The man gingerly reached into his pocket and begun pulling out a sack bulging with munny, before reaching forward with trembling hands as Zexion kept the illusion going. "Yes, good…more munny…is that all you have? You don't want your wife to take the rest, do you? That's it…"

After Zexion had squeezed the man dry of munny, he ended the hypnotizing illusion and leant back in his chair, feeling pleased with himself. Tucking the man's bags of munny into his coat, he waited till the patient regained his proper state of mind. Once he did, Zexion pulled out a tiny metal device from his coat. Vexen's gift.

The patient stared in wonder. "Are you one of the Men in Black?! Wow, I thought it was only a movie! Could you recruit me? Do you know Jay and Kay?" Zexion stared blankly at the man. "Silence." He said, bringing up the device.

Donning a pair of shades, Zexion aimed the blinking red light on the metal device at the man's face. The patient stared at the object in fascination. "Thank you for your munny. After you see this flash, you will not remember a thing. Go home and divorce your wife. Then, withdraw the rest of your munny from the bank and give it to Doctor Zexion. Then, spread the word about his psychiatric skills!"

A bright flash emitted from the device, and the man looked dazed. After a moment, he twitched and limped out of the office slowly.

"Next patient, please." Zexion called.

Having played the same game on every patient, Zexion smirked as he glanced at his desk, filled with pouches and pouches of munny. He was rich. But why should he give it all to Xemnas? Was it to be wasted on My Little Ponies? He thought not. Perhaps there would be a better way to use his newfound fortune. Gathering all the pouches, he dropped them into a bag and vanished into a portal of darkness. Inside the portal…

"Oh, it's you. How's your job going?"

"Fine, Zexion."

"Hmm, I see. I've recently cheated my patients of bags of munny. Xemnas will be pleased. But of course I'll keep some for myself."

"Xemnas will be even more pleased with me when I've shown him the photographs I've taken…" A glint of malevolent green showed through the darkness.

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**A/N: **Some of you might have guessed who the photographer is by now…but if you haven't, keep guessing! All will be revealed on Xemnas' Job Evaluation Day! x3 **Remember to review!**


	7. At the Zoo

**CHAPTER SEVEN: AT THE ZOO**

**A/N: **A big thank you to all reviewers! Here's Chapter Seven! Enjoy!

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The large slab of meat was tossed over the fence as the lions on the other side ripped the meat to shreds. Children and adults of all ages gathered around, looking amazed and horrified. But some weren't paying attention to the lions themselves. Rather, to the eccentric-looking man that was feeding them.

Dressed in a dirty polo shirt and a pair of khakis, Saïx, the Organization's number seven, wasn't exactly feeling very happy. Why was he the one who had to work with a bunch of atrocious animals who could be compared with the common heartless? In fact, he'd rather be out killing the common heartless. But no, the Superior had to give him a job. From the other side of the fence, children laughed and pointed. "Mommy, he has blue hair!" "Mommy, he has an X on his face! It makes him look weird!" Saïx glared at the children for a moment, before turning back to continue feeding the lions.

"Psst."

Oh. It was his employer. "The kids want an introduction to the lions! Entertain them! Your job is not just to feed the lions you know!" The diviner turned and stared at the man, before glaring and turning back to the crowd once more.

"Come on, Saïx! Give us an explanation on the lions!"

Wait. How did they even know his name? And furthermore, they pronounced it as '"Saiks". Saïx looked down at the large yellow badge that was pinned to his polo shirt. "Hi! My name is Saïx, and I'm happy to be your zookeeper!" the badge declared vehemently. Underneath the word 'zookeeper' was a giant smiley face which pained Saïx to look at it. Despite enduring constant humiliation, the blue-haired man turned disgustedly to the greedy audience.

"Lions are…" he began, wishing that he was somewhere else at the moment, even if it were the Pride Lands. Just then, he felt something sharp enter his hand. He had forgotten that he had been holding a piece of meat. And now, the lion had his hand between its teeth. "Argh!" the diviner yelled, trying to wrench his hand free from the lion's teeth. Meanwhile, the kids in the audience booed and hissed, while Saïx's own tolerance stretched thin. Certain visitors even retrieved their cameras and had started taking photographs of this very strange phenomenon.

Even the Organization's secret photographer, who was supposed to be doing their own job at that moment.

Eventually, Saïx reached out his free hand and summoned his claymore, from which dangerous ivory spikes protruded. "All shall be lost to you!" he declared and raised his weapon above his head. The lion let go of his hand and lunged at him from behind, causing him to topple and land in a puddle of mud. The diviner managed to pry himself free of the mud and to wipe the brown crust off his face. This was too much. His eyes begun to glow a faint yellow, and his teeth became slightly pointy. As the other Organization members knew, this was his berserk stance. But of course, the visitors to the zoo didn't know a thing.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" The crowd cheered as if it were a wrestling match between two beasts. Well, actually, it was technically a wrestling match between two beasts. Saïx swung his weapon behind him and raised it upwards with both hands, as the lion growled and bared its teeth. Almost all the zoo's visitors were huddled around the lions' enclosure now. "Mommy, did they add a new animal to the lion enclosure?" A child was heard saying. "It has blue fur. Right over there, mommy. It's fighting with the lion. It has a big stick. Is it a new species, mommy?" The zoo's manager was watching, horrified, behind the Luna Diviner.

"It's not a stick!" Saïx shouted, flinging his claymore. Unfortunately, he lost his grip a little too early, and it slammed into the manager, causing him to land unconscious with a loud "OOMPH!" The little visitor was unfazed.

"Mommy, it talks too! Can I have it?"

…

After destroying almost everything in the enclosure, the lions were still undaunted. Apparently, they were more intelligent than the Organization member himself. Even the news reporters were called in.

"I'm Anna from the Tonight News, and I'm currently at the scene where a crazed zookeeper with blue-hair and a smiley-faced badge is attempting to abuse the zoo's precious lion. The zoo has been informed and is calling professional wildlife experts to tranquilize the beast. No, I'm not talking about the lion."

…

As the crowd continued staring in disbelief, a single tranquilizer dart flew through the air and struck the crazed zookeeper in the back of his neck. Stiffening for a moment, his berserk stance rapidly faded and he slumped into the mud. The lion prowled round the unconscious number seven for a moment, before moving towards his pride, brimming with arrogance. "Yes Nala." The lion spoke quietly, "Tell Sora that Simba has knocked out the Organization's number seven, and remind him not to worry."

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	8. Written in Fire

**CHAPTER EIGHT: WRITTEN IN FIRE**

**A/N: **Here it is! Axel's chapter! Enjoy! Contains bits of Mickey and Minnie bashing, so sorry about that. ;

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"Set these up here and here…" The man boomed, pointing at a few firework rockets as he instructed his new employee. "Don't blow your hands off. Tonight we celebrate King Mickey's 78th birthday. Isn't King Mickey great?" The Flurry of Dancing Flames frowned. "He's just a mouse." Axel retorted, folding his arms. The employer glared at the redhead, his eyebrows knitting together grimly.

"Don't you speak back to your employer. Now get those fireworks set up. The party begins in approximately an hour's time."

"But it's impossible to—"

"I don't care, Arksel, just do it."

"It's Axel. A-X-E-L. Got it memorized?"

"Whatever. Now get back to your work."

"Fine. By the way, I never knew that spazzy mouse was that old. It's freakishly disturbing." Axel commented as he pretended to set up the fireworks. When the employer turned his back, Axel cursed and muttered, "Who needs them stupid fireworks when I can create better ones? He'll pay me even more munny when he finds out about my skills."

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"Welcome!" Queen Minnie Mouse shook hands with her guests as they entered the fancy hotel in which the King's banquet was held. "Yes, welcome! Thank you for your presents! Please come in! Thank you! Thank you!"

"Your majesty?"

"Yes, Daisy?"

"The man in charge of fireworks is a member of Organization XIII!"

"Oh my. Will he ruin the party then?"

"I don't think so. I heard that Xemnas is bankrupt."

…

"Arrival of King Mickey!"

"Oh look! The fireworks are starting!"

A streak of flame shot into the sky, before forming burning letters.

"I HATE MY JOB."

The guests inside the banquet room stared through the glass window in wonder, watching as the flames upon the words danced and twirled, but yet the message was unmistakable. "I wonder who is doing this?" a guest inquired. "This is different from the usual fireworks you see everyday. King Mickey must have planned this." More words shot into the sky.

"KING MICKEY IS AN OLD FART."

The guests let out a simultaneous gasp. "No!"

"The Organization man!" Queen Minnie squealed. The fireworks themselves just kept on coming.

"MY BOSS IS AN ASS."

Queen Minnie begun to panic. King Mickey himself looked mortified. "We have to stop him! The Organization is ruining the King's birthday celebration!"

"I HEARD THAT."

Just then, a chakram flew through the glass window, shattering it and hitting Queen Minnie. Bits and pieces of glass flew everywhere, lodging themselves into the food and into tables. "There's a pointy thing stuck in my back." The Queen commented, before falling over. King Mickey took out a walkie-talkie. "Stop the fireworks right now!" "But your majesty, I can't find Arksel—I mean, Axel!"

"Missed me?" The manager turned around from where he was screaming into the walkie-talkie and was hit in the face by another chakram. Number eight's voice echoed through the device.

"It's Axel's party now, your majesty."

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**Sorry Axel Fangirls if it wasn't as funny as you expected. ;;  
I'm writing this with a bad flu as of now, so forgive me! There will be more stories like this to come, of course.**


	9. Rock this Joint

**CHAPTER NINE: ROCK THIS JOINT**

"Let's rock this joint!"

Demyx yelled, playing wild guitar riffs on his sitar.

"Er, Demyx?"

"Yes?"

"You're teaching young children in a course called 'Fun with Music'."

The Melodious Nocturne paused for a moment, before looking at the class of young faces that he was supposed to teach. Large eyes stared back at him, before Demyx realized that his "audience" was a sea of children. Some of them were staring at him in anticipation, as if waiting for more guitar riffs, while the others simply clapped politely.

"Oh."

"Now be a good example, Demyx. I'll see you after class."

The head of the 'Little Kiddies' courses for children smiled politely and closed the door behind her, as Demyx glanced back at the children. A little girl raised her hand. "Mister Demyx, what are you going to teach us today?" Number IX fiddled absentmindedly with the strings of his sitar. "Er…I don't know. What do you wanna learn?" Hopping up from her seat excitedly, a young boy screamed, "To be a freakin' rock star!" Demyx stared at the child, who was probably five or six years old. When he finally regained his self-composure, Demyx grinned at his class of juniors. "Fine then, let's rock!" The little girl raised her hand again. "But Miss Bella will reprimand us! We're supposed to learn the recorder."

"Who cares about Miss Bella?!"

The boy shouted. "Let's rock out!" he said, making the universal rock sign with his hand.

Demyx grinned, before glancing at each of the eager children. "Great. You, take the drum set. You, take the extra fender guitar over there. You, take the microphone. You take the bass guitar. You take the keyboard. The rest of you can be backup singers." After the children had gathered the necessary instruments and equipment, Demyx set them up in the middle of the room.

"Ready? One, two, one two three…"

"Demyx?"

It was Miss Bella.

The musician turned as pale as a sheet for a moment, before clearing his throat and going, "These are the instruments you can only learn when you're older. That's for explaining. Now, we learn about the recorder…"

"Glad to see you're being a good example, Demyx!"

Number IX plastered a cheesy smile on his face as Miss Bella closed the door behind her. "Phew. She's gone now! And a one, a two, a one two three…"

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"We are the nobodies! We wanna be somebodies!"

The mini rock group sang as they jammed on their instruments inside the classroom. It was strange, really. Young children in flower-print dresses and smiley-print shirts jamming on fender guitars and playing the drums. And of course, the nocturne was behind it all. "Not good enough! Try that riff again!" Demyx yelled over the music. "Put more rhythm into that beat! That's it! You're doing good!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

The back-up singers sang, waving their arms dramatically. Demyx was having the time of his life. And the best part was that he was being paid for this.

"Demyx!!!!" A voice screamed. Oh no. It was Miss Bella again. "Are you teaching those innocent children to play rock music?!" Demyx freaked for a moment, being his usual self, before aiming the tip of his sitar at the doorway. "Dance, water, dance!" he commanded, and bubbles shot forth from the instrument, soaking the woman and preventing her from entering the room.

"Oops! The water dispenser malfunctioned!"

"What has that got to do with your horrendous music?!" The woman yelled.

"Well…er…" Demyx began, before mouthing to the children, "Run for it!" and motioning to a dark portal he had just created. "Absolutely nothing!" he said to Miss Bella, before running through the portal himself and closing it.

"Oh and Miss Bella? YOU SUCK! No one wants to learn a freakin' recorder!"

The rocker boy yelled, sticking his head out of the portal, before withdrawing it again, just as the portal itself folded and vanished.

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**A/N: **Look out for Demyx and the class' performance on Job Evaluation Day!

This is meant to double as little prequel. ; Please review if you've liked it!


	10. A Little Bet

**CHAPTER TEN: A LITTLE BET**

**A/N:** I changed the text to the left to make reading a little easier Chapter ten, where Xemnas makes a little cameo and Luxord gets himself in trouble with just one bet.

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"You're not in the notorious Organization XIII. You're just a liar."

"Well, sir, do you want to bet on it?"

"Sure! I mean, you don't even have any evidence to show me."

The bearded man with the English accent grinned, before spreading the normal cards on the poker table and withdrawing his own set of cards from his coat. Snapping his fingers, the cards suddenly grew bigger in size, before more appeared out of the air. "You see sir," Luxord stated as he manipulated the cards, "You have to be in such an Organization in order to perform tricks such as these." But the man remained undaunted. "You think just a couple of magical card tricks will convince me? I need solid evidence!"

Luxord stared at the man again, but this time he produced an entirely different thing from his coat—a cell phone. Dialing a few numbers on it, he waited till there was a significant ringing tone, before passing it to the man. The man arched an eyebrow, as Luxord greedily eyed the bag of munny on the poker table which the man had betted. This was a far easier way to earn munny than to deal cards in some stupid casino.

"Hello?" A deep, familiar voice sounded over the line.

"Yes, hi, some guy named Luxord who deals cards in the casino over here thinks he's part of the notorious Organization XIII. I've no idea who you are and why he passed the phone to me."

"You don't know who I am?"

"No, I don't."

"I am Xemnas, leader of Organization XIII."

"Hah! That's the biggest lie ever!"

"Don't get on my nerves, please."

"Like you can do anything abou—"

A single red laser shot through the doors of the fancy casino and hit the man in the side of his head. "Ow. Okay, you win." The man said, before falling off his chair and becoming unconscious. Luxord grinned devilishly again and retrieved the phone from the fallen man. "Never make me talk to pathetic morons like this again." Xemnas' voice came from the other end. "Why of course, Superior." Luxord said, chuckling lightly and slipping the cell phone back into his coat. By then, quite a commotion had gathered around the scene of the crime, which, by incidence, was more of Xemnas' fault than Luxord's. But you could look at it either way. Soon, the familiar yellow tape encircled the fallen man and the poker table. "CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS" the tape declared in big, bold lettering.

"Hello Mr. Luxord. We're from the crime lab. Could you tell us what you've seen?"

"This gentleman and I were just having a friendly bet. I don't see how he'd get knocked unconscious by losing to me. But then again, I always win." Luxord lied.

"Several witnesses report seeing a flash of red at the entrance shortly before this man died. Mr. Luxord, he DIED. He's not just unconscious."

"Well, it wasn't my fault." Luxord said, scooping the munny the man left behind on the table.

"If it wasn't your fault, Mr. Luxord, we would like to investigate the scene further."

"Fine by me." The Gambler of Fate said calmly, before drawing together the rest of the munny and slipping it into his coat. "Take your time…I'll be taking my leave now." He continued, before tottering out of the entrance rather slowly due to the weight of the munny. As he reached a particularly deserted spot near an alley, a gloved hand grabbed the sack of munny from Luxord. Turning to see who it was, he was met by a pair of luminous orange eyes. "Oh, it's you Superior. Those crime lab miscreants should be after you now. Meddling in our affairs."

"It was his fault."

"It was?"

"He insulted my Floofy."

"Your what?"

"Floofy. My favourite My Little Pony."

"But sir, I didn't hear him say anything about Floofy."

"Yes, he did. You were probably too busy grabbing the munny. But your munny belongs to the Organization. Which means, your munny belongs to me."

"But Sir—"

"No buts Luxord. Now go back to your card dealing duty."

"But those crime lab people're still investigating!"

"I don't care Luxord."

A dark portal opened and Xemnas stepped in. "Goodbye, number ten." He rambled, before the portal closed and vanished into nothingness. Luxord cursed under his breath and walked back to the casino, where there were people surrounding another table, just waiting for the dealer. His boss stood there, angrily tapping a loafer-clad foot on the carpeted flooring. "Luxord. What were you doing! You can't take bathroom breaks unless I allow you to. You're fired!" The man simply smiled and snapped his fingers, transforming his boss into a playing card. Gathering the bets from the table, Luxord opened a portal and stepped in, leaving the horrified onlookers staring in shock as the portal closed.


	11. Flowers

**CHAPTER ELEVEN: FLOWERS**

"Welcome to Twilight Florist, Marluxia."

The owner, Mr. Doe, said, feeling rather unnerved by the pink-haired man with a large scythe in one hand and a fragile white rose in the other. Marluxia's intimidating stare bore into the man, as if waiting for him to continue. The light from the morning sun glinted off the edge of his curved weapon, making it look more dangerous than usual.

"As you may know, Twilight Florist is Twilight Town's most famous florist, and—"

"Famous? Look at that."

Number eleven's cobalt gaze drilled into Mr. Doe as he dropped the rose he had been holding and pointed a finger at a nearby vase with a dramatic sweeping gesture. The orchids in the vase had wilted; leaves stained a rather repulsive hue of brown. "Do you not know how to take care of plants?" The Lord of Castle Oblivion continued, snapping his fingers. The orchid immediately sprung to life, a healthy green shade spreading through the leaves, and the stalk of the plant beginning to straighten. "Are you the owner?"

"Yes, I am, Marluxia. I needed some part-time help, and er, here you are!"

Mr. Doe squeaked, laughing nervously.

Marluxia's eyes shifted to the other end of the flower shop, his head lowered slightly in thought. The assassin, being the nobody he was, always wanted to take leadership positions. Especially when he considered the current leader unworthy. There was once he tried to take over the Organization, but had been stopped by Sora. He had bribed Sora with cookies to not tell Xemnas, but still he didn't really trust the boy. But now, here was yet another irresponsible leader, who didn't even know the basics of plant management.

"Humph. I'll show you part-time help."

The assassin muttered, returning his weapon to the darkness and retrieving the fallen white rose from the ground. Placing it on the countertop, he proceeded to take in the complete view of the shop. Immediately, his eyes located more than a few plants that needed help. They were withered, colourless and dull. Certainly not plants that a famous florist should boast. What was this man doing? He was clearly very irresponsible. Frowning in disgust, Marluxia approached the nearest plant and brought it to life. He was just about to start on the second when Mr. Doe spoke.

"Er, Marluxia. I only needed your help to man the cash register."

"Hm?" Marluxia turned swiftly and glared at the owner. "You should be the one manning the cash register." He growled, fixing a cold glare on Mr. Doe. The owner twitched again, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead and dripping off his chin. "Er, you, er, shouldn't disobey your, er, boss." The man said, obviously expecting the worst, as he backed away slowly from Marluxia, his shoes scraping on the ground, giving him away. Hearing the scraping of the shoes, the Graceful Assassin instantly whirled around and summoned his scythe. "I don't obey anyone!" he said in measured tones. "I won't give you your pay!" Mr. Doe threatened, voice faltering.

"Listen carefully, Mr. Doe." Marluxia hissed, grabbing the man's collar in a quick motion. "If I were as cowardly as you, I would've left the Organization by now. Everyone, including certain fans, label me a homosexual! Do you not understand the humiliation?!" Mr. Doe tried to keep placid. "But you are—"he began. "SILENCE!" Marluxia roared, flinging the man effortlessly, where he hit several pots of plants and landed on the ground, wincing in pain.

The assassin strode over and lowered his head to inspect the damage.

"Apologies, I didn't mean to do that. Are you hurt, are you all right?" Marluxia inquired.

"Yes, I am. Save for a few bruises. I ought to fire you for what you just did—"Mr. Doe started again, before realizing that the assassin wasn't referring to him. Marluxia scooped a bouquet of fallen roses from the ground and held them carefully, before placing them into a porcelain vase nearby. "That's better isn't it?" he said, smiling in satisfaction at the flowers, and ignoring Mr. Doe completely.

"That's what I get for hiring a guy with pink hair, a pink scythe and—"

Very soon, Marluxia was in front of him again, before dealing Mr. Doe a roundhouse punch which knocked him onto the glass door. Large cracks spread through the transparent material. "Pink is the colour of the sakura blossoms to honour the fallen warrior. Pink is the colour of a bruise newborn. Pink is the hue of blood seeping into the river. Pink is the COLOUR OF DEATH!" Marluxia boomed, summoning his scythe. With a single sweep, he decapitated Mr. Doe and tossed his head out of the shop window.

Feeling pleased with himself, the assassin sat himself down at the florist's counter and waited for customers. He'd earn the munny himself. And he'd obey his own rules.

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**A/N: The 'Pink Rant' that Marluxia did was inspired by a piece of work, 'Marluxia is Pink', by Silvestris on DeviantArt. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter! If you did, I'd appreciate it very much if you clicked that little review button at the bottom of the page!**


	12. Fix It

**CHAPTER TWELVE: FIX IT**

_Knock, knock._

The door was answered by a fat woman with a ridiculously plastic smile on her face. Her real expression was concealed under layers and layers of thick make-up. It was so thick that if she twitched slightly, her entire face would possibly crack and fall off. The woman clapped her bloated hands together, her sausage-like lips parting to speak.

"Oh! The electrician man! You're here!"

"I'm a woman." A cold voice growled from underneath the bright purple cap, with the words 'Setzer's Electrical Services' embroidered on it.

"Oh my goodness! Sorry, dear." The lady replied.

"Enough with the chit-chat. What's the problem, lady?"

The owner of the home was a little taken aback by the electrician's words, but composed herself and said, "The television, dear. It's not working!"

Without a word, the electrician pushed past the fat-laden woman and proceeded into the living room, where she placed her red toolbox on the carpeted floor, next to a newspaper of which the headlines read, 'X-Man found!' and 'Zookeeper goes insane!' and removed her cap to reveal a head of lemon blonde hair, with two strands sticking out like antennas. She was dressed in an equally purple jumpsuit, with the same words printed on the back of it. Withdrawing a screwdriver from the toolbox, the woman named Larxene begun unscrewing the plastic plate which concealed the television's wiring system. "I look like a clown." She muttered under her breath as she worked. "Freakin' Setzer."

"But clowns are great, dear! And the bright purple makes you stand out!" The fat woman cut in.

"I DON'T want to stand out." Larxene seethed. "And clowns are retarded. Like you."

The woman was shocked, her mouth hung agape in astonishment. "You're the rudest electrician I've ever hired! Just make sure you do a good job, and I'll pay you! I'll go listen to some music while I wait. Be sure to finish the job fast!" She said cheerily and lumbered away. Larxene swore she could hear the ground tremble with each step the woman took. Muttering random strings of curses, she continued to fix the television.

"Oh, oh, oh, oh stayin' alive, stayin' alive!"

The radio blared. "Yeah, babay, yeah!" the woman shouted as she did 'Saturday Night Fever' dance moves to the music. The floor of the apartment shook slightly. "Stayin' alive!" the woman screamed; her voice horribly off key. Larxene twitched when she saw the woman dancing. But when she started singing, she dropped the tools and snapped, electrifying the television set by accident. The overload of electrical charges caused the television set to explode with a resounding bang. The woman paused the music and hurried to the scene, where she saw Larxene clutching a blown television set, and bits and pieces of the screen lying everywhere on the carpet.

"What have you done?!" The woman said, putting her hands dramatically to her head and screeching with the intensity of a soprano. A very bad soprano.

Larxene, twitching with anger, stood up from where she sat and plastered a sadistic, creepy smile on her face. Her blue eyes flashed dangerously with waves of electricity. "Your singing was so demented; I blew up your television set!" The Savage Nymph declared, her voice rising a few pitches. "I'm not paying you!" The woman shrieked. "You'll pay ME for the damage you've done!"

"Oh, I think not. You owe me for putting up with your singing and dancing!"

Number twelve said, smiling and clenching both her hands into fists. Her kunais materialized between her knuckles. Throwing a single knife at her, the kunai hit the woman and got embedded in her arm, which overflowed with fat. "Ow!" The woman screamed. Larxene cringed. Retrieving her throwing knife, she gave the woman a once-over. "Too fat to be hurt by my knives huh?" she said, smiling thoughtfully.

Raising both her hands, Larxene summoned forth a bolt of lightning, which struck the woman squarely on the spot that she stood. The apartment was filled with the smell of roasted hair and meat. The Organization's female sadist grinned. Axel wasn't the only one who could successfully barbeque the enemy.

The ground shook again as the woman's massive form collapsed with a resounding thump. Larxene packed the tools into her red toolbox and swiped the woman's wallet from her unconscious body, before strolling leisurely out of the apartment.

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**A/N: Chapter twelve complete! R&R! And once again, a big thank you to all reviewers!**


	13. Dirty Little Secret

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN: DIRTY LITTLE SECRET**

**2300 Hours, the Castle that Never Was**

"Psst, Axel, do you have the _goods_?"

The hooded figure clad in the Organization coat stepped out from the dark portal, approaching the taller, red-headed nobody confidently. He cradled a grey, metallic laptop in his hands, the power button glowing in the darkness. The figure placed the laptop on a nearby table. Axel stretched out a gloved hand and produced a thin brown envelope, with the words 'Top Secret' scrawled messily on it in sharpie marker. The shorter figure grabbed the envelope from number eight. "Excellent." He muttered, opening it and retrieving several glossy photographs.

Setting up a scanner and attaching it to his laptop, the shorter nobody proceeded to scan each photograph into the device, while whistling the tune of 'Sanctuary'. All was quiet in the little room hidden away in a deserted corridor of the castle. Once the photographs were in, the nobody magnified each one and saved it into the computer. Once that was done, the nobody pulled back his hood, revealing one very familiar face.

"Manse—I mean, Xemnas will flip when he sees those, Roxas."

"Exactly," Number thirteen replied, smirking. "Payback time, for what they did to me."

"So you're going to publicly humiliate them in front of the Superior just because they made fun of you and left you out at the Halloween party? Wait. They didn't leave you out. They just laughed 'cause you were dressed as sleeping beau—"

"Enough, Axel."

Roxas narrowed his eyes, before breaking out into a loud, Vexen-like laugh. Axel put a finger to his lips. "Shhh! The rest of them are sleeping, you know!" The Key of Destiny paused, before continuing to give a very evil grin. "Thanks, Axel, for helping me get the photographs. Let's see what we have here…"

"That's Xigbar!"

"And he's wearing his pirate costume."

"He looks like a clown."

"Well actually, I think clowns look better."

"No way."

"Way."

Roxas scrolled down to the second photograph. "Uh oh. Obviously someone pissed Xaldin off." Axel mused, trying to hold in the urge to laugh out loud. Roxas simply grinned and continued to the third. "That's my absolute FAVOURITE!" Axel declared. "Vexen in a maid's outfit. How often do you see that kinda thing?" As they continued to view photographs of the Organization in various humiliating situations, they soon came to one where it showed Minnie Mouse. She had a chakram embedded in the back of her polka-dotted dress.

"You killed Minnie Mouse?"

"She was annoying me. Couldn't help it,"

Axel said thoughtfully, as if the death of Minnie Mouse was for the greater good of all nobody-kind. Actually, it was. Mickey Mouse would still be in mourning now. Roxas continued to stare at the photograph in disgust.

"You even took a picture of that?"

"Yeah well, it was for the memories."

Axel thought for a moment after that sentence, before speaking his mind. "Roxas, what's your job?" he asked. "I don't have one." Axel looked confused. "But didn't you get a job from Xemnas too? Everyone got an advert clipping." Roxas twitched for a moment, before answering, speaking in low, and measured tones. "I was to be a special guest at an anime convention." The redhead frowned. "But that's good!" he said. "No it isn't." Roxas maintained, before urging Axel to search his memories. "Remember the last time all of us visited an anime convention?"

_Flashback Moment_

"_Ohmygosh, it's the Organization!"_

_The twelve black-coated men, and one black-coated woman, stepped slowly back towards the entrance to the convention. "Smile and wave, boys, just smile and wave." Xemnas commanded, as they carefully backed away from the mob of screaming fangirls (and fanboys for Larxene)._

_Sora, Riku and Kairi stood at a dusty corner of the convention, their arms folded. "Why do the Organization get more fans than we do?" Riku asked stubbornly. "Because they're evil." Kairi muttered. "What does that prove?!" Sora screamed. Another group of fangirls heard the screaming. "Oh GOSH it's Sora and gang! Get them!" And then the fangirls and several fanboys leapt. Soon, Riku's muffled voice came from underneath the pile of fans. "I take back my words. The Organization can have all the fans." _

_Meanwhile, the Organization fans were rapidly closing in on the group of thirteen. Larxene had run away first, to be pursued by several fanboys. So now it was just the guys. And the rabid fangirls. "Xemnas. What do we do?" Saïx inquired, stepping away from the screaming females. "We should talk to them and convince them to go away." Demyx suggested helpfully. "Are you nuts?!" Axel screamed. "Give them flowers." Marluxia mused. "That will make those creatures more rabid than they already are." Zexion replied. "Target practice!" Xigbar laughed, loading his guns. "Kill them all." Xaldin said. "Capture them for use as experimental subjects!" Vexen screeched. "I'll be your experimental subject!" One of the fangirls screamed. Vexen slapped a gloved hand on his face, obviously out of ideas._

"_Enough!" Xemnas boomed, raising his arms dramatically. "We shall send Roxas to remove those fangirls." Sora's nobody twitched nervously and backed away. "Wh-why me?" He stuttered. "Because you're the newest member. Prove yourself." Zexion declared, answering his question on behalf of the Superior. "That's just a lame excuse for we-are-all-scared-so-we're-sending-you!" Roxas snapped back. "What you say may be true. But you're going obey the Superior's orders anyway." Luxord said quickly, before pushing Roxas forward towards the mob of fangirls. _

"_IT'S ROXAS!!!"_

_The fangirls screamed in unison, leaping for the Organization's youngest member. The rest hurriedly created dark portals and vanished. "I'm not a distraction!" Roxas screamed helplessly, before he was overwhelmed by the flood of females……_

**Back to Reality**

"Oh." Axel said simply.

Roxas coughed, before changing the subject.

"Once the Superior sees these photographs, he'll get mad for sure!"

Roxas said happily. Axel grinned.

"Best friends!" Both nobodies declared. Then they slapped hands.

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**A/N: Next up, Xemnas' dreaded Job Evaluation Day! –insert dramatic music here-** **And as you may know, this chapter's title is inspired by a song of the same name. Anyway, R&R please if you haven't done so already. Thank you all reviewers!**


	14. Evaluation Day

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN: EVALUATION DAY**

At last, the days of work and toil were over.

A loud voice boomed throughout the various speakers set in the Castle that Never Was. "Awaken, miserable peons, and make yourselves present in the Dwelling of the Emperor in approximately ten minutes. Any member not present will be punished." (The Dwelling of the Emperor is Xemnas' ridiculously long and 'poetic' name for his office. And yes, he considers himself an emperor.)

The early morning Sun filtered through the windows of the Castle, although the sky was rather bleak, due to the World that Never Was being at the brink of darkness. The shadow of Kingdom Hearts was still cast over the castle. However, the members of Organization XIII were not happy to be awakened at such an hour by Xemnas' shouting. However, they were rather used to it. But Demyx was already up and about a few hours ago. And so were Roxas and Axel, busy with their little 'presentation' they were about to show Xemnas.

As Axel and Roxas arrived at Xemnas' office, they noticed that Demyx was there first, and what more, he was surrounded by a group of children. Very young children. A drum set, a few guitars, a keyboard and microphones were already set up nearby. Amazingly, Xemnas wasn't there yet. He was probably in his room making the announcement, and of course, he himself would arrive 'fashionably' late.

Lexaeus soon stumbled in, holding a copy of a tabloid with his face on the front cover. The headlines read, "An Interview with an Organization Member: EXCLUSIVE!" Axel cringed at the picture of a smiling Lexaeus on the cover. The Silent Hero himself wore his pajamas, which was a dark brown and made out of an itchy material. He had dark rings under his eyes. A few minutes after Lexaeus arrived, a dark portal opened and out stepped Saïx, the acting second-in-command, despite being of low rank. He had almost the exact personality as Xemnas, except he wasn't as rambly and dramatic. More of a stoic nobody than anything else. But he was a ticking time bomb. Annoy him, and the outcome wouldn't be pretty. Number seven wasn't dressed in his pajamas, and obviously had already showered and eaten his breakfast. He was clad in the Organization coat, which had not a speck of dust on it, and looked perfectly awake and neat. Somehow he always made a respectable entrance and appearance at Organization meetings. However, Axel spied something.

"What's that?"

"Nothing of importance, Axel." The blue-haired nobody answered, twitching. A little blue silk peeked out from under his coat, obviously his pajama pants, with prints of crescent moons on it in yellow silk. Axel frowned.

"You're wearing your pajama pants?"

"Do not speak of this. Apparently, the Organization's new intern had a…problem with doing the laundry. You see…"

**-IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM-**

"Ooh ee ooh ah ah ching chang wala wala bing bang…"

A figure in the Organization coat sang, scrubbing at the thirteen members' garments with barely a care in the world. Staring at a pair of Larxene's unmentionables, the intern cackled. "Ansem not like underwear colour. Ansem dye underwear greeeen."

**-BACK IN XEMNAS' OFFICE-**

"Vexen drugged the intern?" Axel repeated in horror.

"Yes, unfortunately. Vexen wanted to test his new drug, one that induces lunacy. So he tested the drug on the intern when he wasn't looking and well, it actually worked, for once." Saïx sighed.

"But why only your pants?"

"It was unfortunate, yes. But Vexen drugged the intern only after the rest of you got your official coats, gloves, pants and boots back. I got my coat, gloves and boots, but apparently, Vexen left my pants in on purpose."

"Why?"

"I called him an old woman and said he had a fruity laugh."

"…"

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Very soon, the rest of the members had made their way to Xemnas' office. Xigbar, Xaldin, Vexen, Luxord, Marluxia, Larxene and even Zexion were decked out in their pajamas, and most of them had messy, ruffled hair and dark rings under their eyes. Some were still clutching their pillows. Several yawned. None of them seemed to notice Demyx's band of kids and the instruments. Very soon, yet another dark portal appeared and Xemnas stepped out of it, dressed in his infamous zebra coat.

"Now…give me the munny that you've earned, and tell me what you've learnt from doing your jobs. And, based on the reports I've gotten from my reliable sources, I shall evaluate each of you. Those who come out with top marks shall keep some of the overall munny." Xemnas declared. He took the earnings from each member and spread them out on the table. Zexion, being the sneaky one, had kept some for himself.

Then, the dreaded evaluation began.

"Xigbar. You shot your employer, the actors, and the stage crew?!"

"But dude, I didn't want to be a pirate. You wouldn't even let me be on the surfer special."

"Well, that's not good. You didn't even steal any money from the bodies. I'm very disappointed in you, number two."

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"Xaldin. You blew your students out to sea and nearly drowned your employer?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"They deserved it."

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"Vexen. You turned your employer's son into a block of ice?

"He wanted my shield! And he made me wear an ugly maid's costume!"

"But did you get any munny?"

"No."

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"Lexaeus."

The fifth member of the Organization grunted, still reading the tabloid.

"Did they pay you for the interview?"

"No."

"And you killed Miss Star?"

"Yes."

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Xemnas sighed and stopped asking questions. "I'm very, very disappointed in all of you. In fact, I won't even go on asking the rest of you questions. All you did was kill, kill, kill. The only munny I've gotten was from Zexion, Luxord and Marluxia. What happened to the rest of you? Look at these newspaper reports. Minnie Mouse. Killed? I'm not necessarily saying that's a bad thing, but she was going to pay Axel for the fireworks! And Demyx, why do you have a group of children with you? And where did we get such instruments?" The musician paused, thinking. "Well, I was thinking we could cheer you up with a song!"

Before Xemnas or the rest of the Organization could do anything, Demyx signaled to the kids, who quickly took their positions. Soon they began playing a rather upbeat song to which Demyx sang along. "I am really special because there's only one of me! Look at my smile I'm so damn happy that people are jealous of me!" Zexion stared. "The happy song?" he asked, his voice more emo-ish than usual, if 'emo-ish' was even a word. Demyx nodded joyfully and continued singing. "Welcome to my happy world…"

By this time, Axel and Roxas had snagged a chance to project their photographs on the screen in Xemnas' office. The Organization turned to look at the pictures, except for Demyx, who was still jamming with his miniature band. The pictures were both revealing and humiliating. Xigbar, in his pirate outfit. Xaldin, with a crazed smile on his face. Vexen, wearing the maid's outfit. Lexaeus, smashing his client's head. Zexion, hypnotizing his patients. Saïx, wrestling with the lions on national TV. A picture of Minnie Mouse with a chakram embedded in her back. Demyx, running through a portal with a soaked, angry woman behind him. Luxord, transforming his boss into a card. Marluxia, beheading Mr. Doe. And finally, Larxene, electrocuting the fat woman.

"Roxas! You didn't even do your job! You—what's this?!" Xemnas said in horror as he caught sight of the pictures.

"Your 'powerful' Organization members." Roxas vehemently declared.

The other members' faces had turned red with utmost humiliation. Some were glaring at Roxas in fury. Demyx was still singing. Xemnas began to fume. "You all give a bad name to Organization XIII! You disgrace our very title, our notoriety, our—"

"Superior?"

"Yes, Zexion?"

"**You haven't been taking on a job yourself."**

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**A/N: Next, the final chapter! I hope you've enjoyed reading this story, and please do check out my other stories, which I will update after this. A big hug and cookies to all reviewers! **


	15. Grand Finale

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN: GRAND FINALE**

**A/N: Here it is! The final chapter of Occupational Hazards! Thank you all reviewers for supporting my story, and please do check back often to see my new ones. After this I shall start updating 'The Vacation'. Enjoy!**

_(Chapter also known as 'Darth Xemnas')_

**----------**

"You the new cast member?" The director asked, chewing the gum in his mouth with loud, rude squishy noises.

"Yes." Xemnas said, understandably insulted. Was he, the almighty leader of the Organization, being treated without any respect whatsoever? He turned to leave, but the other twelve members of the Organization stood at the doorway, hoods up and arms folded. They were turning on him now?! Outnumbered, and left without any choice, Xemnas awaited the director's instructions.

"The not-really-star-wars-star-wars-parody. Action!"

A man wearing a black cape and with robotic devices implanted onto his chest, his head covered by a funny helmet, walked onto the set, which was a 'spaceship'. "The dark side will control the universe…" the man said, his monotonous words followed by hissing, breathy noises, as if the man was on life support. "Go!" The director prompted. Xemnas hurried onto the set with the stick the director had given him. "Er…I will stop you!" Xemnas repeated his line with no emotion whatsoever, while waving his stick. The director glared and mimed pressing a button. Xemnas hit the button on the stick, and a blue laser immediately shot from the stick. Fake, of course. The helmeted man turned to face Xemnas. "Who are you?" he questioned.

"I am Xem—I mean, Obi Wan Kenobi!"

(He pronounced it as Oh bye one ken oh bye.)

"Flashback scene!" The director called.

The helmeted man hurried away, before Xemnas was pushed away too, looking very confused. Soon, a shorter figure made himself known on the set. "Obi Wan." The figure said. Xemnas was once again pushed on set. "Yes, Yuda?" Xemnas said, attempting to remember the exact line. The Organization were snickering. Axel had even produced a video recorder, and was taping the entire thing without the director's notice. "You can't do that! The movie hasn't been released yet!" Larxene nudged him. "This is for home use." Axel replied. "I'm going to show it on movie night." The entire Organization gave its trademark group of low, menacing laughs. But this time, it was without Xemnas.

"Destroy the dark side, you must!" The person playing Yoda went. He looked awfully familiar…with those two big ears. Oh no. It was Mickey! Xemnas recoiled in disgust, and backed away slowly from the short mouse. "Cut! Cut! That wasn't supposed to be in the scene!" Mickey Mouse, by now, had also realized it was Xemnas. "It's Xemnas! I thought you were bankrupt!" The mouse said. "I was." Xemnas replied. "But enough of that! I should destroy you this instant!"

"No! You tried to take Kingdom Hearts! And your number eight killed Minnie!"

"She was ugly!" came Axel's voice from behind the director.

"That's why I married her!" Mickey Mouse shouted back, on the verge of tears.

Xemnas gave the mouse a punch which sent him flying across the room. "Cut! Cut!" The director screamed. "Obi Wan Kenobi is not supposed to punch Yoda! This is wrong! WRONG! I will fire both of you if you continue!" Xemnas shrugged. "Fine." After the flashback scene, Xemnas glared at Mickey. "I will get you." He hissed, and headed back to the spaceship set for the battle scene. "I am Darth Vader." The helmeted man said. "I am Luke's father." "Liar!" Xemnas said, amazed at how full of feeling that came out. "Prepare to fight me." "Darth Vader" said, brandishing his red lightsaber. At the sight of the weapon, Xemnas' eyes widened. "You miserable peon! How dare you!"

"Cut! Cut! That wasn't in the script!"

"I don't care about your pathetic script! He is not worthy of wielding such a formidable weapon!"

"There are no such things!"

Xemnas glared, his electric orange eyes beginning to hold a dangerous gleam. Dropping his farce blue lightsaber, he opened his palms and summoned forth his red aerial blades. "Two?!" The director said, mouth agape. "Are you a real Darth?" Xemnas was insulted. "I am no—" "He is! Darth Xemnas!" Axel called out. "And we're his minions!" The director was afraid. He backed away slowly, and so did the actors. "There are more? The dark side are real?!" Zexion stepped forth from the group, and his eyes begun to swirl, hypnotizing all to believe that the entire Organization were lightsaber-wielding Sith lords. Axel stepped forward. "If you wish to keep your life, you must give us your munny."

Xemnas looked even more confused. "You wanted munny, Superior." Larxene snarled. Axel continued to threaten the director. "The all-powerful Darth Xemnas commands you hand over your munny!"

"Stop! Don't give him your munny!"

Zexion stopped firing his hypnotic gaze and turned with the other members to look at the one who had shouted. Oh, it was Mickey Mouse. "Party crasher!" screamed Demyx. "Let's get him." Larxene growled. The directors, cast and crew snapped out of their trances. "What's going on?! Where is Darth Xemnas and his Sith lords, or minions, or whatever?!" "Number six has tr—" Mickey mouse screamed , before being cut off by one of Axel's chakrams. "Who's up for roasted mouse?!" Axel quipped. "We are!" The Organization said in unison. Xemnas just stared, as Axel proceeded to barbeque Mickey Mouse, humming a song all the while. Zexion, meanwhile, resumed his illusions. And very soon, the Organization were rolling in dough, and were wheeling carts of munny back to the Castle that Never Was. Demyx did give some to his band members, of course. But they did need something to spend the munny on…

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A single kunai was flung through the air. It thudded into the castle wall, missing Axel's ear by a hair's breadth…"Larxene!" VIII yelled, threatening to summon his chakrams. "Oops! It was an accident! I didn't mean it!" The blonde smiled innocently, batting her eyelashes. "I'll get you!" Axel continued. "I'll sell your other unmentionables on E-bay! You know Leon loves buying them!" Larxene laughed, before her grin rapidly faded. "How dare you!" She yelled, screeching angrily and lunging at Axel, who sprung away as quickly as a cat. "Watch it! You'll damage my roses!" A pink-haired man with a bouquet in his arms yelled as Axel pushed past him. "Pathetic miscreants." Zexion muttered under his breath, trying very hard to concentrate on his quantum physics book. This was all Xemnas could take.

"ENOUGH!"

The leader of Organization XIII roared, slamming a fist on the coffee table, causing a mug of something to spill over. "My coffee!" Demyx whined, glaring at the Superior. "Dance water dance!" A blast of water spurted from his sitar. "Mgmgmfmfff!" Xemnas said as the water sprayed him in the face. Eventually Xemnas was soaked from head to toe. "Oops! I'm sorry Superior!" Demyx squeaked as he backed away slowly.

Trembling with rage, Xemnas stood up, droplets of silvery water dripping off his face and coat. His normally 'fashionable' silver hair was now plastered to his face, and he looked like 'the creature from the sea', complete with angry, burning orange eyes. The other members who were causing the ruckus immediately silenced themselves.

"Demyx…you…"

The sitar player squeaked again and continued backing away from Xemnas, expecting horrible punishment to come. Then, from his pocket, the Superior withdrew a soaking wet My Little Pony. "You damaged my Floofy! This is it!" Xemnas boomed, flinging the toy onto the tiled marble.

"We are going on vacation!"

"But—"

The others began, shifting nervously in their seats. The Superior had really lost it this time. A vacation? They already had so many missions to complete, and Sora was still looking for them! How could they go on vacation?

"I don't care! We leave two days from now. You all had better pack your things by tomorrow! I'll be checking!"

Lexaeus raised a hand.

"Yes Lexaeus?"

"Where are we going to?"

Xemnas paused, orange eyes scrutinizing his confused Organization members.

"We're going to…wherever a random dark portal takes us!"

"Uhhh…okay."

Xemnas smiled evilly, before motioning the members with a flick of his wrist. "Now back to your rooms so you can begin packing!" Larxene simply glared. "But Axel sold almost all my underwear on E-bay! How am I supposed to pack?!" Xemnas cringed for a moment, before calming himself. "Take Axel's underwear." Larxene stared for a moment, before another sadistic grin crept onto her features. "Fine by me." She said, running quickly out of the doorway.

"NO! You can't let her take my underwe—wait, Larxene!"

Axel yelled, before running out the doorway after Larxene.

After a few moments of silence, the other members got up and exited the room, leaving the soaking Xemnas feeling very pleased with himself indeed.

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**And that's the end! Do read the somewhat-sequel, The Vacation. That was the beginning of it! And that's it for this fiction! Thank you for reading Occupational Hazards, and once again, do check out my other stories!**


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